Do you ever feel like you may be losing your identity to motherhood? Like being a mom has kind of consumed your entire personality? Many new (and even some veteran) moms feel like they have fallen down a rabbit hole into an entirely new world that consists of diapers, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, and spit up. They wake up one morning and wonder, Who am I? Friend, that doesn’t have to be your reality. Learn what to do when you feel you’re losing your identity to motherhood.
The feeling of losing your identity to motherhood is normal
It probably doesn’t feel normal, does it? If you just had your first baby, you probably feel exhausted and like you’re just trying to survive. After all, that sweet baby is depending on you! Perhaps you looked in the mirror and saw the unwashed hair, spit-up-on shirt, and baggy eyes. Maybe you didn’t even recognize yourself.
Maybe you made the change from young professional, the go-getter, to a stay-at-home mom. I can tell you from personal experience, that change is tough. When I had Little Man, I left a job I absolutely loved. It was exactly the career I wanted, my boss was fantastic, and my coworkers were the best.
Don’t get me wrong, I was ecstatic to become a mom. We struggled with infertility before finally getting pregnant. I wanted nothing more than being a mom. We ultimately decided I would be a stay-at-home mom, and while I was so happy for the opportunity to raise our son myself, on my last day of work, I cried. Hard. I truly felt in that moment that my life, as I knew it, was pretty much over. And in a way, it was, but I had to learn the best way to transition from one stage of life to the next. During that process, I learned a few things, so hopefully they help you as you make your own transition.
How to keep from losing your identity to motherhood
First, understand your feelings are normal and valid
I think most new moms feel like they’re losing their identity motherhood, but instead of dealing with them, they kind of stuff them down. You may feel guilty for having those feelings; after all, your baby is a huge blessing in your life and you should be grateful to be a mom.
But those feelings are absolutely normal. You aren’t a bad mom for struggling with them. Motherhood is a huge transition, and big transitions come with big emotions. The sooner you realize your feelings are normal and valid, the sooner you can move forward.
Second, allow yourself to grieve your old life
When I was struggling with losing my identity to motherhood, I didn’t think it was right to grieve my old life. After all, our baby was a miracle, considering we were told it was likely I couldn’t conceive naturally. I thought, You wanted this so badly; why are you sad? And of course I wasn’t sad I had a precious baby boy in my arms; I was sad because a part of my life (one I loved) was over.
It’s important to allow yourself time to grieve the end of one chapter of your life before beginning another. Think about it. We’re allowed to grieve a little when we graduate high school or college, leave one job for another, move to a new house or town. While all those things signal a new beginning of something exciting and different, they also signal the end of something good and comfortable.
So take that time to grieve your old life, but don’t get stuck in the grieving process. Grieve and move on.
Third, maintain outside relationships
When trying to keep from losing your identity to motherhood, it’s important to maintain relationships from your old life. It’s very easy to slip into only socializing with other moms. And while that’s definitely important, remember to touch base with your other friends.
I have several dear non-mom friends, and I make a point to prioritize our relationships. Granted, things are different, and I am so much busier than I used to be, but making the effort really goes a long way with keeping my identity. It’s a great reminder that there is life outside of my role as mom.
Fourth, take time for yourself
If you feel like you’re losing your identity to motherhood, step back for a minute and take some time for yourself. I know, it’s hard to think about yourself when you have a tiny human who depends on you for absolutely everything. But you can’t give if you’re running on empty.
Taking time for yourself doesn’t necessarily mean jetting off for a solo weekend getaway (although if you have that opportunity, by all means, take it!). It just means take a few minutes everyday for you. Do something you enjoyed pre-baby. Start a hobby. Take a walk by yourself. Feeding your own soul allows you to both keep your own identity and be a better mother.
Finally, understand that motherhood changes you
Although we’re learning how to keep from losing your identity to motherhood, it’s important to understand motherhood changes you. You are never going to be exactly the same person you were before you had your sweet little one. But you are still yourself; it just takes a little more work to feel that way.
Feeling like you’re losing your identity to motherhood is scary and uncomfortable. But you’re still you, mama! Acknowledge how you feel, and understand those feelings are normal and valid. Allow yourself to grieve your old life so you can enjoy the new one. Maintain your pre-baby relationships, and take time to do things you used to enjoy. Motherhood is the best role in the world, but remember you are an individual outside of “mom.”
