This post might be a little uncomfortable to read. It sure was uncomfortable for me to write. I had to take a hard look at myself, and I honestly didn’t really like what I saw. I want to share how to respect your husband as a fellow parent. Dun-dun-dun.
Who is this control freak?
My husband and I have been parents for a little while now. Little Man is our miracle baby, because we were told we would likely be unable to conceive naturally. When we found out I was pregnant, we were over the moon with excitement. We planned and prepared as much as we could. We attended birthing classes, breastfeeding classes, and baby care classes, and I read every book and blog I could get my hands on about what to do when our little bundle of joy arrived.
Everything was fine and dandy until we brought Little Man home from the hospital. I can’t exactly explain what happened, but I think it was a mixture of hormones and the mama bear instinct kicking in. Suddenly, in my eyes, I was the only one in our household who knew how to adequately care for our child.
Now, this is absolutely ridiculous because my husband is a super smart man with amazing father-instincts. But my type-A, controlling personality took over, and I found myself questioning everything my he did in regards to our baby. Somehow, everything he did was wrong, and I adopted an if-I-want-it-done-right-I’ll-do-it-myself mentality.
Obviously, this is very wrong, and I have worked (and am still working) hard to change my attitude. It’s taken a lot of self-examination and humility, and even though I’m not where I’d like to be, I’m trying my best to change. In the process, I’ve learned a few things about how to respect your husband as a fellow parent.
You don’t know everything
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but it’s absolutely true. Why is that we as women struggle so much with this? We think we have everything figured out and that our way is the only way to do things. I knew I was like this before I had my baby, but after? Holy cow! That part of my personality really reared its ugly head.
If you want to respect your husband as a fellow parent, you have to stop this way of thinking. There is absolutely no way you could ever know everything about caring for and raising a child. You and your hubby are in this together, and there are a lot of things you will have to figure out as a team. Yes, maybe one of you has more experience with children than the other, but you never know how to be a parent until you actually are a parent.
He is capable
I know in my heart that my husband is absolutely capable of caring for our son without me hovering over his shoulder, but my new mama brain has needed time to catch up with it. I know without a doubt that my husband can care for our baby without me present, but I still have a hard time not micromanaging everything.
I’ve got to let go of the urge to be in control and allow him to experience parenting himself. If I constantly hover, I rob him of that experience. So you (and I) have to take a deep breath and back off. I know it’s hard, especially if you’re the one home all day with the baby. You’re naturally more familiar with what works and what doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean that you are the parenting queen of the world.
Don’t belittle him
It’s super hard for me to talk about this because it’s pretty shameful, but I always want to be open and honest with you. I am guilty of belittling my husband for not doing things the way I think they need to be done in regards to our son. There. It’s out there, and I’m not proud of it in the least. If you don’t think you’re guilty of this, let me give you some examples:
Example 1:
Your husband is making a bottle for the baby, and puts the bag of frozen breast milk in the microwave. Instead of calmly explaining that breast milk should be thawed in warm water, you lose it and say, “What are you doing?? Don’t you know you should never put breast milk in the microwave?? Do you want to burn our baby’s mouth??”
Example 2:
Your husband is putting the baby for bed. Instead of letting him do it, you hover over him and question his swaddling method, ask him if he’s done a, b, and c, and double-check everything he already did.
I’m ashamed to say I’m guilty of creating both these scenarios, and neither of them are helpful. Instead of learning to respect your husband as a fellow parent, you frustrate him and make him feel like he can’t do anything right. This behavior is toxic to your marriage, and actually sinful on your part. You should never make you husband feel like a failure; as his helper, you are called to encourage him.
You are a team
The last time I checked, marriage is a team sport. Even though your husband is the leader of your family, neither of you is better or more important than the other. In a team, everyone pulls his or her own weight, and you encourage each other and help cover each other’s weaknesses.
Even though you spend more time with the children than he does, that doesn’t make you a better parent. You both have different roles in parenting. Neither one is better than the other; they both work in perfect harmony.
It’s not good for your children
When you fail to respect your husband as a fellow parent, your children will eventually notice. Is that the kind of example, you want to set? Do you want your daughter to grow up to disrespect her own future husband? Do you want your sons to grow up allowing their future wives to treat them the way you have been treating your husband?
Chances are, the answer is no, so remember that little eyes are always watching. Be a good example for your children, and show them what a respectful marriage and parenting relationship looks like.
How to respect your husband as a fellow parent
Now that you know why it’s important to respect your husband as a fellow parent, how do you actually do it?
Start by taking a good hard look at yourself and determine what you’re doing wrong, and what you’re doing right.
I hope your wrong list isn’t as long as mine, but if it is, just know that you have a lot of work ahead of you.
Pray and as God to forgive you for your disrespectful attitude toward your husband.
Respect starts with a heart change. Ask the Lord to bind your tongue when you’re tempted to speak disrespectful words.
Then do the same for your hubby.
Acknowledge what you’ve done wrong and ask him to forgive you. It’s important not to overlook this step. It will go a long way, and then you can begin the process of healing.
Next, before you open your mouth to criticize, do a little heart-check.
Ask yourself if what you are about to say is helpful or hurtful. To respect your husband as a fellow parent, choose words of love instead of condescending words.
Allow your husband to lead.
Acknowledge that you don’t know everything, and allow yourself to learn from him instead of abruptly dismissing his thoughts and ideas because you think you have it all figured out.
I’m sorry if this post made you uncomfortable, mama, but if it did, you know that you need to make some changes in how you treat your husband. He’s as much your child’s parent as you are. Don’t belittle him because you think he doesn’t know what he’s doing; you’re not the expert on parenting and baby care. Let him parent; he’s more than capable and probably knows a lot more than you do in some things.
Remember that you’re a team and the goal is to raise godly, kind, productive children, and you can’t do that if you’re always at odds with one another. I pray you take this tough love and learn from it and apply it to your life.
And if your marriage needs a little pick-me-up, check out this post from Ruth at Living Well Spending Less for eleven things you can do right now to improve your marriage.
