Did you know that one couple in eight struggles with infertility? You may not be aware of it, but I bet you have at least one infertile friend. Many women endure this struggle silently, but some choose to share it with a few friends and family. Sometime it can be hard to know what to say and how to act around your infertile friend. As someone who struggled with infertility, I have a few suggestions of ways you can support and encourage any woman in your life who may be going through this trial.
Understanding how your infertile friend feels
In order to support your infertile friend, it’s important first understand how she feels. Infertility is one of the hardest trials a woman can face, and there are a lot of emotions swirling around in her head and heart.
She feels broken and inadequate
Women are designed to bear children. When a woman struggles with infertility, she feels like her body is failing her. She feels like a failure because she can’t do the one thing she was made for. No matter how bad she wants it, there is very little she can do to get pregnant (in most situations).
This leads to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that can spill into other areas of her life. She may second-guess her job performance or career choice. Perhaps she questions her role as a wife and helper to her husband. She may feel like she’s failing in every aspect of her life.
She struggles with envy and bitterness
When your infertile friend spends time on social media, she struggles with seeing only those who have what she doesn’t. She sees the pictures of her friends’ beautiful babies and adorable toddlers. Her heart aches for that experience, and even though she’s happy for her friends and family, she feels a twinge of jealousy and bitterness.
Why can’t I have that? What did she do to deserve those kids? She got pregnant out of wedlock and can’t care for that baby, and here I am trying so hard; that’s not fair!
These are some of the thoughts that run through her head as she scrolls through her Facebook and Instagram feed. She hates feeling like this and tries to surrender those thoughts to the Lord. Pleading, she asks Him to give her strength to stop being bitter and envious of others.
She feels sad and depressed
Your infertile friend may also struggle with depression and deep, gut-wrenching sadness. There are days when she doesn’t even want to get out of bed, let alone go to work, maintain her marriage, and sustain her friendships.
She cries a lot: when she passes the baby section at the store and sees the little tiny onesies she’s not sure she will ever be able to buy. When she drives home and wonders if she’ll ever be able to give her husband the child he wants as much as she does. When yet another friend announces their pregnancy and she longs be able to do the same.
She experiences an emotional rollercoaster every single month
Your infertile friend goes through a pretty intense series of emotions in every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy test. The first stage is right after her period ends. She tries to be optimistic and looks at the new month like a fresh start and new opportunity to conceive.
Next, she carefully calculates her ovulation and most fertile days. Then, during what I call “Go Week,” she and her hubby (ahem) try like crazy to get pregnant. She gets to the point where she doesn’t even feel like having sex but tries anyways because she’s afraid to miss the golden window.
After “Go Week,” there’s a few days where she resigns herself and thinks, Alright, we did everything we could. Then comes the agonizing waiting period. Did it happen? What if it did? What if it didn’t? As she gets closer and closer to the end of her cycle, the anticipation builds and she lets herself hope a little.
She takes a pregnancy test and it’s negative, but hey, it was a little too early anyway. She waits a few more days and takes another. It’s negative. Her hope starts to waiver. She begins to obsessively take test after test, fighting back more and more tears at each negative result. Then, one day, her husband finds her in a heap on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably because it happened: she started her period, meaning her hopes for motherhood are dashed yet again.
She tries her best to hold it together at work, smiling and laughing when she feels like dying inside. Her husband does his best to encourage and support her, but she just wants to be left alone. After the hormones settle and she returns to “normal,” the cycle starts all over again.
How you can support her
Now that you know a little about how your infertile friend feels as she struggles to conceive, there are ways you can support and help her through this journey.
Ask, but don’t pry
Depending on her personality and particular situation, your infertile friend may or may not want to talk about her struggle. And even if she is the type of person to share, you never know where she’s going to be emotionally on any given day (see section above about the emotional rollercoaster).
Some days she may need to vent and let it all out there. Other days, she may be on the brink of tears and even the thought of discussing it could put her over the edge. The best thing you can do is ask how she’s doing and let her share however much she is willing and able to share. Don’t press her for details; let her provide them as she sees fit.
Listen and be there for her
Let her know that you’re there for her. Infertility is a lonely road, and knowing her friend is there to listen is a huge help to her. She doesn’t want to be a bother, so she may not reach out when she’s struggling. If you’re thinking of her, shoot her a quick text telling her that you love her and are praying for her. On days when she’s had all she can take, those are the things that keep her moving on.
Avoid offensive comments and questions
This is something well-meaning people do to try to “help” your infertile friend. She understands it generally comes from a place of concern and love, but the following questions and comments are generally less than helpful.
“Have you tried [blank]?”
Chances are, she’s tried everything. You are probably not telling her anything she doesn’t already know. She’s heard every piece of medical advice and wives tale there is and has already tried it. Multiple times. Leave the suggestions to her doctors and just be there for her.
“[Blank] worked for me/my friend.”
See above. Every woman’s situation is different and no two bodies are the same. For example, I have PCOS, and a low-carb lifestyle worked for me, but it wouldn’t work for someone who has endometriosis. Again, leave the medical stuff to the medical professionals.
“Just be patient/relax.”
There is nothing more infuriating than this comment. Though she knows you are trying to encourage her, your infertile friend is frankly tired of being patient. Plus, she doesn’t really have much choice. And telling her to relax isn’t helpful at all. It’s like telling an Olympic athlete that they need to just “relax” to get the gold medal.
“Trust in God’s timing.”
This is hard because this comment is so well-meaning and meant to be encouraging. But honestly, your infertile friend has heard it more times than she can count. And she’s already doing everything she can to trust God’s timing, so you telling her that’s what she should be doing does little to help her.
Be sensitive to her situation
Lastly, if you are pregnant (first, congratulations!), understand that your infertile friend may take the news hard. She is, of course, going to be incredibly happy for you—don’t doubt that for a minute. She knows, probably better than most people, that pregnancy is cause for celebration.
But before you make your big announcement, it’s be a good idea to give her a heads up. This doesn’t have to be anything big, just speak to her privately beforehand if possible. If it’s not possible, give her a quick phone call. People will be watching how she responds to your news, and she doesn’t want to take away from your moment by tearing up or looking pained. Allowing her time to compose herself will ensure she can properly celebrate your special day.
Mama, you are so blessed to have your little one. Remember that your infertile friend’s heart aches to be where you are right now, cuddling your sweet baby. Be sensitive to her hurt and support her as she struggles through this valley. Listen when she needs to talk. Ask how she is, but don’t be offended if she just can’t talk about it. And most of all, make sure she knows that you’re there for her and are praying for her.
As someone who didn’t have issues getting pregnant but has many friends who have (and some that are still dealing with infertility), I never knew quite what to say or how to approach the situation. This is so good to know and keep in mind. Thank you for sharing your heart on such a sensitive matter.
As someone who struggled with infertility I would get such rage when people would tell me to just relax or trust in the timing. As well intentioned as they tried to be it was like a knife every time!