I will never forget the day I was told I would likely be unable to conceive a child. It was a windy Thursday afternoon in mid-November. I sat in my car in the parking lot of my OB-GYN’s office and sobbed.
After months of trying to figure out what was wrong with my cycle, my doctor informed me that I probably had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and it was likely that I would not be able to conceive naturally. A fertility specialist would later confirm her diagnosis, but this was the first time I faced the possibility that I could never become a mother.
A swirl of emotions
When my doctor delivered that news, I think I just sat there on the exam table, shell-shocked. I was completely numb and didn’t really know what to say or what questions to ask. But as I walked to my car after the appointment, the emotions started flooding.
Brokenness and shame
There was a definite sense of brokenness and shame in my heart. I felt like my body had failed me. As a woman, I was designed to be able to bear children, right? What did that say about me that I couldn’t do the one thing I was created to do? I wondered what people would say about that, if they would look down on me because of my inability to conceive.
Devastation
As I thought about my husband, my heart broke even further. He wanted so badly to be a father. And I knew that he would have been a great one. His calm spirit and quiet leadership was the perfect combination for fatherhood. Then I thought about my parents. Though they were already blessed with grandchildren, what if I, their only daughter, was unable to give them another?
Anger
The anger came next: I felt incredibly cheated. Though not perfect, I had been faithful to my commitment of purity before marriage. I followed the Lord and served in my church—I was a “good” person. How could this happen to me?
I wish I could say I handled these emotions with grace, but truthfully, I struggled with them. It took some time, but I learned that my battle with infertility was my kairos moment.
Responding to your kairos moment
If you’ve been told you can’t have a baby, you understand these feelings. I want you to know that they are completely normal. What matters is how you respond to them. Yes, you can be angry, but don’t let it turn into bitterness. You may feel broken and ashamed, but don’t let it turn into self-pity. You can feel devastated, but don’t let it break you.
As much as it hurts, this is your kairos moment. It’s your opportunity to grow in your faith and become stronger in your identity. You can choose to fall apart and let this diagnosis define you, or you can rise up and become a champion prayer warrior. You are strong enough to handle this, but not on your own. Purpose to surround yourself with those who will love and support you. Choose to lean on the Lord instead of backing away from Him.
I’m not going to lie, it will be hard. There will be days that all you want to do is stay in bed and cry. You’ll walk by the baby section in the store and feel like you want to fall apart. You’ll see the couple with the new baby at church and try not to feel jealous. Every day is a battle, but you’re not fighting it alone. God is right there with you and He sees your hurt. He knows how you feel, and He’s hurting for you.
If you’ve heard those dreaded words, please don’t give up. Don’t let the doctor’s words shatter your dreams of becoming a mother. My Little Man and me are living proof that God is not limited by a medical diagnosis. Even if you are truly unable to have children naturally, you have the option of fertility treatments and adoption. Don’t let this paralyze your walk with the Lord. Remember, you are not alone!
You can read more about my infertility journey here. For more encouragement, check out my post about the day I found out I was pregnant.
