We all know communication in marriage is important. When my hubby and I were in premarital counseling, our instructor spent a lot of time discussing communication with us. But I didn’t really understand the importance until we actually had to do life together. If you hit a bumpy spot in your marriage, I suggest you take a look at your communication before addressing anything else. Today we discuss the importance of communication in marriage, what happens when it goes awry, and how to fix it.
Why communication in marriage is important
As I mentioned above, our premarital counselor spent quite a bit of time discussing communication in marriage with us. He gave us some interesting activities and scenarios to run through, and frankly, they felt a little silly. But at the end of it all, he said we communicated very well and he was confident we would continue to do so in our marriage
While well-meaning, that evaluation gave us (me, particularly), a false sense of confidence in our communication skills leading into our marriage. As many newlyweds discover, things are much different once that honeymoon season ends and real life begins.
We’ve experienced our ups and downs in our marriage, and I’ve discovered three main reasons communication in marriage is important.
1. Things get done
As a highly efficient person, there’s little that grinds my gears more than things not happening the way I think they should. Through all our years of marriage, I discovered that nine times out of ten, things don’t get done because my husband and I fail to communicate well.
2. Miscommunications are few and far between
When you prioritize communication in marriage, you find that there are fewer miscommunications (shocking, I know). For example, one weekend, my husband had a work dinner that we maybe talked about one time earlier in the week. I say maybe because I don’t remember the conversation, but he said we discussed it (I’m not saying either of us is right; most likely I forgot about the discussion because #mombrain).
Well the day came and less than forty-five minutes before the start of the event, my hubby says, “I’m just going to go ahead and go for a little while and then come back home.” And I was like, “Um, what? Go where?”
And thus began an epic meltdown (on my part), and epic frustration (on both our parts). I was upset because I felt like we hadn’t talked about all of us going, and he was upset because he thought I wouldn’t want to go. Eventually we worked everything out, but we could have avoided all the drama if we had taken the time to communicate better (we’ll discuss this more a little later in this post).
3. Family life is better when communication in marriage is healthy
Children learn communication from their parents. Have you ever heard your toddler say or do something and wonder Where did he get that? And then later realize you say or do the very same thing?
Babies and toddlers learn everything about communication from you and your husband. And if you’re not careful, they can develop some bad communication habits that they’ll carry into adulthood and their own marriages.
Additionally, young children like to know what’s going on. Even though Little Man isn’t talking yet, he’s definitely listening. So I like to tell him what we’re going to do before we do it. For example:
“Son, let’s put on your shoes and jacket. We’re going to get in the car so we can go see Grandpa!”
This kind of communication helps him learn that there is a process to everything. And I do the same thing in my marriage. I like to verbally lay out the plan, so we’re both on the same page. For example:
“Honey, so before we go to church, we need to make sure the car seat is in the right car, we all need to have breakfast, and make sure we have our Bibles.”
This helps both of us know what needs to happen before we leave, and neither of us can say we didn’t know.
Ways communication in marriage breaks down
I know we all like to think we’re great at communication in marriage, but truthfully, most of us struggle with these three things.
1. Assumptions
A sweet, godly woman who kind of mentored me many years ago shocked me one day with this statement: “When you make assumptions, you’re the first three letters of that word.” Not exactly something I expected her to say, but I see the truth in it.
Assumptions are one of the biggest enemies of effective communication in marriage. In the example I shared above, my sweet husband assumed I would not want to go to the work dinner because I hadn’t been feeling too great. And I assumed he knew that I would jump at the chance to get out of the house and be around adults for a little while.
We both made incorrect assumptions, and it led to a communication breakdown, which led to a fight. I felt like he failed to consider my feelings, and he thought he was doing just that. If we would have discussed how we felt instead of making assumptions, we could have avoided the entire incident.
2. Yelling
I am way more guilty of this than my husband. In fact, I don’t recall ever hearing him yell. And it’s not that I enjoy yelling. Quite the opposite, actually. For me, yelling happens when I feel like I’m not being heard. I get to that point when I feel like I’ve said something a billion times and nothing has changed.
The problem with yelling is that it often makes the other person dig in their heels and get angry and defensive. Instead of getting the result you want, you end up just escalating the fight. This leads to resentment and is much harder to resolve.
3. Silent treatment
I think women do this much more than men, and that’s definitely true in my marriage. Why do we think this is effective?? The silent treatment is actually a form of control. By refusing to discuss the problem, we basically make our partner beg for reconciliation.
I’m incredibly guilty of this scenario:
Husband: “Babe, what’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing.” *But clearly something is, indeed, wrong.*
Husband: “I can tell something’s bothering you. Just tell me what it is.”
Me: “I’m fine.” *Clearly not fine.*
Husband: “Come on, just tell me.”
Me: “I just think it’s funny that…” etc. *Cue epic argument.*
See? No one wins with the silent treatment. Communication in marriage doesn’t work if one party refuses to communicate.
How to fix communication in marriage
So now that you know the ways communication in marriage breaks down, how do you fix it? Try these three tricks:
Active listening
Many times in conversation, one or both of the participants hear what the other person says, but don’t truly listen. As humans, we are inherently selfish, especially in communication.
Let me explain. As we hear other people speak, we have a nasty habit of planning what we’re going to say in response. Instead of truly listening, we are busy thinking up a comeback. This results in us not actually listening attentively to what they are saying.
So instead of falling into this habit, practice active listening. Make and maintain eye contact with the speaker. Focus on the words coming out of their mouth. Ask for clarification on things you don’t understand. Repeat back what you believe they said (“So what I hear you saying is you feel discouraged because of…. Is that correct?”)
Set aside daily time to talk
Communication in marriage has to actually happen for it to work. I’ve mentioned several times about making time each day to connect with your spouse. My husband and I try to do this pretty soon after he gets home from work. He has weird hours, so it doesn’t always happen, but we try to take at least fifteen minutes to discuss our days.
It’s so easy to just coast through marriage without actually communicating because we both lead such busy lives. The key is to share those separate lives (meaning the time we spend away from each other) so we can grow as a couple. And don’t forget to spend quality time together!
Consider the other person’s feelings
Did your mom every tell you, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”?
While generally good advice, this doesn’t exactly foster good communication in marriage. Sometimes couples need to have tough conversations with each other.
When those conversations come around, consider your words carefully. The goal is not to hurt the other person; the goal is to reach a resolution. As angry as you may feel, remember that no one benefits from angry, dramatic words in an argument.
I hope this helps, mama. Communication in marriage is so incredibly vital to that special relationship. Once you really examine what’s going wrong, you can start fixing it.
What are your struggles in communication in marriage? Tell us in the comments!
