Do you feel like you and your spouse never have time to really connect? Are you so busy you pass like ships in the night and never really know what’s going on in the other’s life? One little habit, if implemented daily, can help you reconnect. Let’s explore the ins and outs of couch time: what it is, how to make it work, and what to do with your kids while you enjoy these special moments together.
What is couch time?
I first learned the term couch time when I read On Becoming Babywise (the best book for learning how to sleep train and get your baby on a schedule). The authors state a good environment for babies begins with a couple prioritizing their marriage. One way they suggest doing this is through moments together to focus on just each other.
Couch time is a set period each day for you and your spouse to connect. It’s a time to focus solely on each other, without the distraction of kids and screens. This is a perfect time to really work on communication in your marriage. It can be anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour, but busy parents know any more than that is pushing it.
When should we do couch time?
To reap the maximum benefits, it’s important to establish couch time as a daily habit and work it into your routine. If you only do it once or twice a week, you aren’t really getting the most out of it.
Schedule couch time into each day. I know that doesn’t sound super romantic, but busy parents have to schedule time together. Otherwise it gets pushed to the back burner as other things take precedence, and soon you realize you haven’t really connected in weeks.
If you operate on a traditional schedule, in which your husband works a normal, 9-5 job, then schedule it for when he gets home each day. Give him some time to decompress, usually fifteen to thirty minutes, and then sit down to talk.
If you have a non-traditional schedule, getting moments together can be a little tricky. My husband currently works swing shift, meaning his hours are 2 pm to 10 pm (if he’s lucky). When he finally gets home, we’re both exhausted from the day, so it’s easy for us to skip it in favor of going straight to bed. So we schedule our time in the mornings, after we all eat breakfast and the baby goes down for her morning nap. When to do couch time isn’t as important as actually doing it consistently.
What should we do during couch time?
During your scheduled couch time, talk about each of your days. It’s important for your marriage for you both to understand what the other does in the time they are away. This helps you avoid miscommunication arising from assumptions.
Discuss the family dynamic. This includes issues with the children, like behavior problems, health concerns, and cute things they did that day. I always try to tell my husband at least one good thing that happened with each baby, instead of only piling on all the bad stuff. It’s easy to turn this into a complaining session, but try to focus on the positive aspects of your day, too.
You should also make a point to connect emotionally and spiritually during couch time. Use this time to go a little deeper and discuss things that matter most to your relationship. This isn’t necessarily the time to start a conversation that may lead to an argument (schedule that when you have more time), because you don’t want to ruin the rest of your evening (or morning, in our case). Instead, talk about things you love about each other, or discuss what you are studying in your quiet time.
How do we make couch time happen with kids?
And now for the million dollar question: how in the world do you make couch time a priority when you have kids? When you have kids, especially babies and toddlers, moments alone seem like a luxury you can’t afford. But in reality, these are the years when it’s possibly the most important. You want your children to grow up knowing what a healthy marriage looks like, and by prioritizing time with each other, you and your spouse are setting a fantastic example.
So how do you actually show your kids the importance of this break with your spouse?
First, set the stage
If your kids are old enough to understand (around 12-18 months), explain in simple terms that mommy and daddy are going to spend a few minutes by themselves. Kids are smart, and they understand a lot of things. Most likely, they aren’t going to be too pleased to not be the center of attention. They will probably try to interrupt and maybe even throw a tantrum. But if you consistently explain that this time is important for mommy and daddy, they will eventually learn not to interrupt. Side note: if couch time is before dinner, it’s a good idea to give your little ones a snack so they don’t become hangry.
Second, give them something to do
Make couch time actually work by giving your child something to do. We implemented room time for our toddler. It occurs every day at the same time, and he knows it’s the time he plays by himself in his room. It didn’t happen overnight; we started with just five minutes when he was a baby and have now worked up to an hour. Let your baby play on the play mat or mobile, and give your toddler an activity or toys to play with.
Finally, be consistent
I know I’ve said this over and over, but for couch time to work, you have to be consistent. If you only do it sporadically, your children won’t learn to take it seriously or prioritize it in their own marriages later. Talk about it with your kids, and let them know how important it is.
Couch time is a very special moment each day to reconnect with your spouse. Make this time a priority and guard it jealously. Teach your kids that mommy and daddy’s moments together are important and they should not interrupt. It may take some practice, but implementing couch time will strengthen not only your marriage, but your family as a whole.
