Ya’ll, breastfeeding is hard. Whoever said it’s “natural” and “easy” was a moron. When my son was born, I knew in my head that breastfeeding could potentially be hard, but I was not prepared for just how hard it actually was. There were days (and especially nights) that I thought there was no way I could do it. But I stuck with it, and eventually came to love breastfeeding.
Before we continue, I want to take a moment to say that if you are unable to breastfeed (and some women are, through no fault of their own), I want you to know that you have not failed. As I recently stated in a post I did at Albuquerque Moms Blog called Friends Don’t Let Friends Breastfeed Alone, I believe “Fed Is Best.” However your baby gets his nutrients is best, period. And if you’re considering transitioning to formula, Katie over at Pages & Puddles has a great post with advice about how to make the switch.
But for those who are able, I want to encourage you by sharing the story of how I learned to love breastfeeding, after it almost broke me.
How breastfeeding almost broke me
Little Man was born back in December 2017. Though my pregnancy was considered “high-risk,” it was relatively easy (as easy as pregnancy can be), and I didn’t experience a ton of issues. When my water broke in the middle of the night, we headed to the hospital and I mentally prepared myself for the hard labor I knew was coming.
Concern due to C-section
I was fully prepared to deliver my son vaginally, but God had other plans. After fourteen hours of hard labor, and very little progression, Little Man’s heart rate began dropping with every contraction, while mine rose. For both of our safety, the doctor decided I needed an emergency C-section (for more info on that, check out my post about my birth story).
Sometimes breastfeeding is difficult after a C-section because your body doesn’t immediately realize that your baby is born. This can delay your milk coming in. I didn’t get to do skin-to-skin immediately after Little Man was born because they had to make sure he was alright. Once I got to hold him, he struggled to latch and didn’t eat much right away.
Concern due to PCOS
Because I live with PCOS, my doctors and nurses were concerned that my milk wouldn’t come in. That’s a lot of worry to add to a brand-new mom. While we were in the hospital (and even when we went home), that thought was always in the back of my mind: What if I can’t provide enough milk for him?
Struggle to latch
My poor child did not latch well when he was first born. It got so bad that we had to use our fingers to stimulate his sucking reflex before putting him to the breast. This required me to pump what little milk I could produce every single time I fed him.
My husband dipped his pinky finger in the milk and stroked Little Man’s lips and the roof of his mouth so he could start sucking. Sometimes he latched after that, but most of the time we ended up feeding him from a syringe. We started using a nipple shield which helped a little bit for a while, but after a few weeks, it was more trouble than it was worth.
Normal breastfeeding issues
On top of all that trouble, we still experienced the normal breastfeeding issues:
Cracked nipples
Lanolin did absolutely nothing for me, and I thought I would have cracked nipples forever. But a friend gave me this Earth Mama Angel Baby, Natural Nipple Butter, and it worked wonders!
Leaking
I also leaked like crazy, so I had to use some pretty heavy duty breast pads. My favorites are these Stay Dry Leak Free Nursing Pads from FuzziBunz. They are super soft (and kind to cracked nipples) and incredibly absorbent. I also liked that they are bigger than a lot of other pads.
Engorgement and clogged ducts
In addition to leaking, I also suffered from pretty bad engorgement and clogged milk ducts. Both issues are extremely uncomfortable and sometimes even painful.
Cluster feeding
Little Man also decided he wanted to cluster feed in the hospital, which meant we got hardly any sleep. If you’re unfamiliar with cluster feeding (first, you’re blessed), it’s basically when baby nurses of an on for a few minutes, hours at a time. Holy cow. He did it when we got home, too, and there were some pretty rough nights.
While in the hospital, I was so frustrated and in tears because no sooner did I stop nursing and lay him down to sleep did he start crying again. We did this over and over and over. Thankfully, he grew out of that one pretty quickly, or I’m sure I would have lost my mind.
Pumping
Pumping is one of those things that can be incredibly stressful if you let it, because you can actually see how much milk you are (or are not) producing. If you’re not careful, it can make you crazy. My amazing lactation specialist told me not to look at the amount of milk in the reservoir while pumping because it would just stress me out and hurt my supply even more. Super good advice.
Worrying about weight gain
I think every single mom worries about this at one point or another. Some worry obsessively about it, and I was one of them. Because my milk took a little while to come in, I was constantly stressed out and panicked that Little Man wasn’t getting enough nutrients to gain weight. He ended up gaining just fine, but I worried myself sick about it for way longer than I should have.
How I learned to love breastfeeding
It took quite a while for me to love breastfeeding. I certainly didn’t love it when Little Man was screaming in the middle of the night at the hospital because he was hungry and couldn’t latch. I didn’t love breastfeeding when I was crying my eyes out because I produced less than an ounce after thirty minutes of pumping. And I definitely didn’t love it when I was so engorged that my breasts were lumpy with all the clogged ducts.
No, I learned to love breastfeeding when my son started gaining and got back to his birth weight. I started loving it when he looked at me while nursing. I began to love breastfeeding when we finally ditched the nipple shield. We decided that I was going to help him learn to latch no matter how long it took. And you know what? He finally got it!
Even now, eight months later, I still love breastfeeding and am sad to think one day soon this will end.
Support from my husband
I don’t think I would have learned to love breastfeeding without support from my amazing husband. He got up with me every single time, every single night while I struggled and cried through each feeding.
He encouraged me and told me he was proud of me. That meant more than anything, because he acknowledged how hard it was. And after a while, I was proud of me, too. I am able to nourish my baby from my own body, and that’s something to be proud of.
Support from my breastfeeding group
The hospital where I delivered has an amazing breastfeeding support group that meets weekly. Each week, we weigh our babies and breastfeed as a group. We go around the room and talk about the things we struggle with and are able to bounce things off each other. The group is moderated by a certified lactation specialist, and she answers any questions we have.
I’ve learned more through that group than I did at any of the prenatal classes we took. Since so many moms are at different stages with their babies, those with older littles can encourage and offer advice to the others. I’ve even made some great friends, and Little Man has, too!
Encouragement for the mama who wants to love breastfeeding
I shared all this to tell you that you can come to love breastfeeding, too. You’ve got to struggle through the hard parts, but it’s so worth it in the end. My son is growing like a weed right now, and I have a sense of pride when I see him crawling, standing, and cruising. I did that. Well, ultimately God did, but He did it through me.
Sometimes, when Little Man nurses, he looks up at me with those beautiful eyes, and it’s almost like he is saying thank you. I love that I have this time to snuggle and be close to him. He started eating solid foods a couple months ago, so I know my time is quickly slipping away. I know I’m going to cry when he nurses for the last time. But I know it’s a season, and when he finally weans, my work will be done and I will have accomplished what I set out to do.
Don’t get discouraged, mama. You’re doing great, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Give yourself some grace, and I’m confident you’ll eventually love breastfeeding your baby. Enjoy this special time you have with your sweet little one, and be proud of this great accomplishment.
Do you love breastfeeding, or hate it? I’d love to hear your story! Share it in the comments below.
